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Friday Freaky Fatwa--Sex in paradise with clean ears

A Muslim asks a scholar

When I wash my ears during wudoo’, do I have to insert my finger into the whole ear? What is the ruling on the waxy substance in the ears? Must it be removed so that the water can each all parts of the ear from the inside, knowing that this waxy substance may come out from the ear?
And the scholar replies
Praise be to Allah.

What is proven from the Prophet is that he used to wipe his ears, not wash them. He would wipe the outer part with his thumbs and the inner part with his forefingers, with whatever water was left on his hands after wiping his head.
And here is the Hadith to prove it…

Al-Nasaa’i narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said, describing the wudoo’ of the Prophet: Then he wiped his head and his ears, the inside with his forefingers and the outside with his thumbs.

The outside of the ear is the part that is closest to the head and the inside is that which is closest to the face.
Wow!  Who knew?  Thanks scholars!  I always wondered where the outside of the ears were….

This is what should be done according to most of the scholars, who think that the ears should be wiped, inside and outside.
Unless you read this Hadith….

Abu Dawood narrated that al-Miqdaad ibn Ma’di Yakrib said: I saw the Messenger doing wudoo’ and when he reached the wiping of the head, he placed his hands on the front of his head and moved them until he reached the back of his head, then he brought them back to the place where he started, and he wiped his ears, inside and outside, and put his fingers in his ears.
That Hadith caused this guy made the following ruling;

Imam al-Haramayn, al-Ghazaali and others said: He should take water in his hand and put his forefingers inside his ears and rotate them, and pass his thumbs over the outside of his ears.

Unlike that which is inside, as it is not prescribed for water to enter the ear, if there is any waxy substance over the opening of his ears, it should be removed.
Gee, ya think?  Gross.  I don’t even want to know what they did before these brilliant scholars came along….

And Allaah knows best
Hadith make Allah look stupid.

A Muslim asks a scholar
Some people regard it as a good or bad omen when they hear a sound in one of their ears, or if their eyelid twitches, and so on. Is there any basis for this?
And the scholar replies
Praise be to Allah.
There is no basis for this. The Muslim has to put his trust in Allah. Regarding things as bad omens is a kind of belief in evil omens, which the Prophet declared to be false and stated that it is a form of shirk.

If a person notices any such thing (ringing in the ears, etc.), he should ignore it and go ahead with his plans, and not hesitate.
Maybe the scholars want you to die…?

As for seeing something and interpreting it in an optimistic manner, this is good, and the Prophet used to like optimism. Optimism means thinking well of Allah.
Well I read that Allah likes brains, so use yours.

A Muslim asks a scholar
I'm wondering will the men from amongst the human race that enters paradise, will they have sexual intercourse with the "HOURIS" women in the paradise .
And the scholar replies
Praise be to Allaah.
Among the blessings that Allah has prepared for His slaves are: 44:54 “So it will be. And We shall marry them to Hoor (fair females) with wide lovely eyes”

52:20 “They will recline with ease on thrones arranged in ranks. And We shall marry them to Hoor (fair females) with wide lovely eyes

Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinn and men) deny?
Hoor (beautiful, fair females) guarded in pavilions;
Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinn and men) deny?
With whom no man or jinni has had Tamth [opening their hymens with sexual intercourse] before them.
Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinn and men) deny?
Reclining on green cushions and rich beautiful mattresses.”
After reading the Hadith I can almost understand why Allah would have to tell the desert Arab men about all the sex they will have in heaven.  What I can’t understand is why the scholars still believe that all Muslim men are as stupid as those in the 7th century.

Al-hoor al-‘iyn are extremely beautiful, such that the marrow of their shins will be visible from beneath their garments.
It doesn’t say that-- because that would be scary

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi said; A man will have intercourse in Paradise with his wives from among al-hoor al-‘iyn and his wives from among the people of this world, if they enter Paradise with him.
A man will be given the strength of a hundred men to eat, drink, feel desire and have sexual intercourse.
Don’t believe it?  Well, here’s the Hadith to prove it..

It was narrated from Anas that the Prophet said:
“The believer in Paradise will be given such and such strength for sexual intercourse.” He was asked, “O Messenger of Allah, will he really be able to do that?” He said, “He will be given the strength of one hundred (men).”
I was wondering what such and such meant…100.  Interesting.

It was narrated from Zayd ibn Arqam that the Messenger of Allah said: “A man among the people of Paradise will be given the strength of a hundred men for eating, drinking, desire and sexual intercourse.
Because that’s all real men care about…

A man among the Jews said, ‘The one who eats or drinks needs to excrete!’
The Messenger of Allah said to him: ‘The excretion of any one of them will be in the form of sweat which comes out through his skin, then his stomach will reduce in size again.’”
Absolutely believable…right?  Pfft

The Quran says 36:55 “Verily, the dwellers of Paradise, that Day, will be busy in joyful things”

They said, it means they will be busy deflowering virgins.
Ibn ‘Abbaas said, according to a report narrated from him, that “busy in joyful things” means listening to stringed instruments.
Abu Haatim said: he misheard the phrase iftidaad al-abkaar (deflowering virgins) and thought it was samaa’ al-awtaar (listening to stringed instruments).
Ibn Katheer In fact the correct phrase is iftidaad al-abkaar (deflowering virgins).
And that’s what happens when you rely on Hadith…and probably why there is a punishment attached to following Hadith.

With regard to children, the scholars differed as to whether children would be born as a result of this intercourse or not. Some said that there would be children if the man wants them, but the pregnancy and birth would take just one hour.
Because of this Hadith..

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi; that the Prophet said: “If the believer wants a child in Paradise, the pregnancy and delivery will take only an hour, then the child will be the age that the man wants.”
Because real men do not like pregnant women..?

We ask Allah to admit us to Paradise and to keep us far away from the Fire. May He bless us, for He is the One Who is Able to do that. Allah knows best.
Translation; we hope these Hadith make you very hungry as there is lots of bitter fruit waiting for those who follow stupid scholars and their damn, dumb, Hadith.
And guys, try and act like you’re smarter than a 7th century desert Arab, ok?
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