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Fatwa on; Sexy Pigeons and--who should circumcise you?

A Muslim asks a Scholar

What is the ruling on pigeons?

And the scholar replies

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The ruler should prevent those who play with pigeons above people’s heads, because that leads to them looking out over them and seeing into the private areas of their houses (awrah)-(awrah is an arabic word for genital). End quote.

Raise your hands if you knew houses had genitals.  Keep them raised if you think pigeons give a tweet if they see you having sex. 
For those of you who still have your hands raised, put hand on a phone, call a shink and ask for help. 

Al-Shawkaani said:

The words “a devil following a she-devil” indicate that it is makrooh (not good) to play with pigeons, and that it is a kind of entertainment that is not permissible.
Not according to the Quran.

A number of scholars stated that it is makrooh (not good), and it is not far-fetched to say that it is haraam (forbidden) – if the Hadith is authentic –
There is no such thing as authentic Hadith. But he continues with;
the fact that the one who does that is called a devil implies that, and the pigeon is described as a she-devil either because it is the cause of the man chasing it
Wondering if this scholar knows that pigeons can fly and humans can't..he continues...
or because it does the actions of a she-devil in that it distracts men into following it and playing with it because of its beautiful appearance and sweet voice. End quote.
Yeah, they really need to put a burqa on those sexy pigeons.  The poor men!

Translation of this scholar;
Perverted pigeons are forbidden.
Especially if they make you have perverted thoughts.
Oh that’s a bad visual, so sorry eyeballs.

Medical advice based on Hadith

Narrated Sad;
I heard Allah's Apostle saying, "Whoever takes seven 'Ajwa dates in the morning will not be effected by magic or poison on that day."
Does that really work?

Narrated Aisha;
Magic was worked on Allah's Apostle so that he used to think he had sexual relations with his wives while he actually had not.
I guess not. But I don’t think I would have told anyone this story.

Narrated Abu Huraira;
Allah's Apostle said, "If a fly falls in the vessel of any of you, let him dip all of it into the vessel and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing antidote for it, the treatment for that disease."
I'd rather die of the disease. This Hadith is still quoted.

Narrated Zainab bint Um Salama:
Um Sulaim said, "O Allah's Apostle! Verily Allah is not shy of telling you the truth. Is it essential for a woman to take a bath after she had a wet dream, nocturnal sexual discharge?"
He said, "Yes, if she notices discharge. On that Um Salama laughed and said, "Does a woman get a nocturnal sexual discharge?"
He said, "How then does her son resemble his mother?"
Not by a nocturnal discharge.
But I don’t blame Muhammad; most men don’t know how a woman’s body works.

Narrated 'Ali;
I used to get emotional urethral discharge frequently. Being the son-in-law of the Prophet I requested a man to ask him about it. So the man asked the Prophet about it. The Prophet replied, "Perform ablution after washing your organ (penis)."
Sure, that will fix it.

Abu Dawood;
Cupping is the best medicine. Mohammed said that if anyone gets themselves cupped on the 17th, 19th, or 21 of the month, it will be a remedy for every disease.
I wonder if my doctor knows this…?

Narrated 'Aun bin Abu Juhaifa
My father bought a slave who practiced the profession of cupping. My father broke the slave's instruments of cupping. I asked my father why he had done so. He replied; "The Prophet forbade the acceptance of the price of a dog or blood, and also forbade the profession of tattooing, getting tattooed and receiving or giving Riba, (usury), and cursed the picture-makers."
I’m thinking the cup had a blood stained painting of a tattooed dog with a savings account.

Narrated Jabir
The Prophet said, "If there is any healing in your medicines then it is a cupping operation, or branding (cauterization), but I do not like to be (cauterized) branded."
Yeah, neither do I.

The Prophet, told Muslims to go out behind camels and drink their urine in treatment of illness.
This would probably prevent a lot of people from calling in sick.

Narrated 'Aisha;
Allah's Apostle used to say, "In the Name of Allah" The earth of our land and the saliva of some of us cure our patient with the permission of our Lord with a slight shower of saliva while treating with a Ruqya. (special prayer)
Now you know why they come to the west for Medical School.

The companions of the Prophet Muhammad would bless themselves by drinking his urine, and described an incident of urine-drinking from a Hadith: “Umm Ayman drank the urine of the Prophet, and the prophet told her: ‘This stomach will not be dragged through the fire of Hell, because it contains something of our Lord the Messenger of Allah.
Damn, that’s so twisted and….yuck, eww, puke! Haraam!!

Narrated Khalid bin Sad;
We went out and Ghalib bin Abjar was accompanying us. He fell ill on the way and when we arrived at Medina he was still sick. Ibn Abi Atiqcame to visit him and said to us, "Treat him with black cumin. Take five or seven seeds and crush them mix the powder with oil and drop the resulting mixture into both nostrils, for 'Aiesha has narrated to me that she heard the Prophet saying, 'This black cumin is healing for all diseases except As-Sam.' Aiesha said, 'What is As-Sam?' He said, “Death."
Cures everything but death, huh? That’s funny

Men, hold on to your parts. Reading the following may cause pain.

The ruling pertaining circumcision of a man who has reached maturity is:

Firstly, he should try to do the circumcision himself. Oh, hell no!

If this is not possible, then one’s wife should do it for him. EEK!

If this is also not possible, then one should consult a surgeon etc to get the circumcision done.
Shouldn’t that be plan A???

The Quran says that this religion is to be easy for you, not a burden. Scholars, Imams, Mullahs, drop the bad Hadith and quit making it a burden.

Quran 31;60…do not follow Hadith.
It also says "We make no distinction between one another of His Messengers" So stop with the crap. The message was the Quran not -bad Hadith for bad medical advice.

As the Tree from hell, Ima telling ya, you’re not going to like my cooking. There’s only one thing on the menu, bitter fruit

Az Zaqqum Islamic Scholar for the Infidel
I believe every country should have one.
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